|The Melty Man Cometh|
|Season Two, Episode Four|
|Air date||24 September, 2001|
|Written by||Steven Moffat|
|Directed by||Martin Dennis|
Her Best Friend's Bottom
Jane and the Truth Snake
The Melty Man Cometh
Patrick meets the Melty Man thanks to Jeff and Steve. When his date with Sally goes wrong, both the girls and guys analyse it. Finally they blame each other for the failure to consummate and decide to give it another chance.
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Sally can’t resist the idea of Patrick the human tripod any longer. She suggests that they finally get it together. Bizarrely, and for the first time in his life, Patrick finds himself unable to perform. Sally is convinced that she has become repellent to men, and confronts Patrick in a desperate attempt to reclaim her self-respect. Either he admits that she is hideous, or he admits that he is impotent. Patrick suggests a third way: they should just have sex.
Both have terrible second thoughts. Sally worries that she is putting Patrick through agonies just to boost her self-esteem. Meanwhile, Patrick struggles with ‘The Melty Man’ - the embodiment of impotence. Both of them realise the unthinkable: the real problem is that they actually care about each other. Patrick is triumphantly standing to attention, but Sally has slipped out of the flat without saying goodbye.
Patrick, the greatest lover since Casanova, has to admit to his friends that he has had a visit from the Melty Man.
- Jack Davenport as Steve Taylor
- Sarah Alexander as Susan Walker
- Richard Coyle as Jeff Murdock
- Kate Isitt as Sally Harper
- Ben Miles as Patrick Maitland
- Gina Bellman as Jane Christie
Supporting and guest cast
- Gresby Nash as Mark
- Eddie Allen as Patrick's friend
- The Melty Man is possibly the only creation from Jeff's mind that Steve actually acknowledges as realistic.
- In Her Best Friend's Bottom, Steve rings Susan's house and Sally exits the bedroom after one ring. This time the phone rings several times before she comes out.
- Patrick: It was just so embarrassing. I didn't know what to do.
- Steve: Happens to us all mate.
- Jeff: All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man.
- Patrick: The what?
- Jeff: Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants.
- Patrick: [chuckle] Terrified pants?
- Steve: [gravely] There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick.
- Patrick: [face falls] You know about the melty man, too?
- Steve: [in a "duh!" voice] We all know the melty man.
- Patrick: Who is he?
- Steve: The archenemy of trouser confidence.
- Jeff: Professor Moriarty. In groin form.
- Steve: Darth Vader
- Jeff: Without the helmet.
- Patrick: [terrified and shocked] What does he do?
- Jeff: Patrick, you *know* what he does.
- Patrick: [looks down] Oh right.
- Jeff: You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes.
- Steve: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored".
- Jeff: Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck?
- Steve: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead?
- Jeff: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once
- Patrick: [frowns]
- Steve: Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time?
- Jeff: She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to dry her neck?